For some time now I have had this intention to prioritise relaxing; to learn about, and practice, deep rest. This can be difficult for many of us, not least because the dominant view in culture is to emphasise and reward productivity and action1. One aspect of this is that we do not know how to stop; how to stop doing something that is causing harm, like eating too much or taking too much from the planet. This perpetual action and fighting becomes the main social survival strategy, complicated by our personal histories. I sought to explore relaxing for many reasons, some of which I outline below, wanting to explore rest for its own sake, finding its language, how it shows up or not, and how to recognise it.
To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to violence.
Thomas Merton
Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander
Signs of unrest
This desire to learn relaxing came from noticing that so many of us are exhausted and the bodymind2 doesn’t actually know how to rest, and from understanding more about trauma and stress. I had chronic pain over many years and learnt that rest was crucial in my recovery; I needed to learn how to rest. Since then, I have had many experiences of deep rest states – through personal practice or from receiving sessions with practitioners – and observed what changes within me. As I become more skilled with this, through my training in craniosacral practice and other studies, I share these states with others. I learnt that one of the most generous gifts I can offer is the space for restorative rest; our inner intelligence will repair our bodies and minds, if only the condition of restfulness can be available.
Those who live with chronic stress will know the constant hum of anxiety in the background, or sometimes in the foreground, that comes from getting stuck in a fight-flight-freeze response. It can be recognised by these classic bodily signs, no matter our personal stories: tense muscles, specially around the jaw, shoulders and face, tension deep in the gut causing digestion problems, menstrual tension for women, racing thoughts, worry, feelings of panic or urgency. There can be black-or-white thinking, negative bias and difficulty being with uncertainty. It is an inability to arrive into ourselves, step back into our bodies and the space around the body; instead we hover nervously above our heads, unable to slow down and trust our lives.
Sometimes we are in truly difficult situations that make resting so hard, while for some of us a degree of survival stress is so dominant that even under very pleasant conditions we can find it impossible to unwind. I know it well in my own body, and I know it in the the bodies of others I work and play with. We can feel tight, in body and mind, and/or overwhelmed. We find ourselves pushing and striving, even pushing to heal. There is a certain level of survival panic running the show. Any action then does not come from a spontaneous desire to create but from a place of force or pushing. Practicing rest, in its many ways, is crucial to our personal and collective health; everything in nature rests, who are we not to?
What rest feels like
Many people do not know what relaxation feels like, because of life-long stress, trauma, or living in precarious conditions. I remember years ago when I first received a craniosacral session my whole state changed so dramatically into softness and ease, lasting several wonderful days. That huge shift led me to realise the extent of stress I had been holding which had just become normal; I had had no actual experience of what rest truly felt like. True rest can be a wonderful foreign world to many of us, you don’t know what it is like until you get there, your senses take in new sights, sounds and smells, and you feel yourself soften like never before.
It can help to know the language of the body when it is able to rest, as we can recognise the signs and do things that encourage these states. When we feel safe enough to slow down and not be on self-defense mode, when we can let go and relax, the body will express itself in specific ways – breathing will slow down, so will thoughts, muscles will relax, we may find our shoulders drop down a little, the eyes will soften and the gaze will naturally widen, so we are not focussing that hard. There will be yawning, sighing, more saliva and swallowing, eyes may water, we may hear some rumbling noises in the belly. These are the cues that tell us that the bodymind is going into the function of the nervous system we call rest-and-digest. That is where the natural healing capacities can be triggered and we can feel spacious, sleep better, our immune system works better. It is possible to see other options, find more resources and express our creativity.
We can see it is the basic therapeutic goal for each of us: what can I do (or not do) that supports this relaxation response? These bodily signs are the most telling cues that we are in healing and recovery mode.
Resistance to rest
Although we all have this basic need to return to balance by shifting into rest more frequently, some situations demand action before rest. People who live in dangerous situations will of course be unable to rest properly, in which case the urgent issue is of getting to a safe place. You can’t live or work in unhealthy environments and expect to be able to relax. Quite naturally the bodymind will tense up for defense. The situation needs to change first, and that is not alway easy, we may need other help.
Rest can also be seen as a privilege of the wealthy. One may hear critical voices from inside or outside that ask ‘who do you think you are that you can just rest?’. We can feel guilty, that somehow we have to earn our right to exist by working hard all the time. Achievement, success, income and survival depend on it. If that is on your mind, consider also the high cost of living in an activated state, which affects all aspects of our health, and sadly we do not pay attention to this until we get sick.
To really slow down and come to rest can be scary. Often we can’t rest because we are bracing against feeling something, some vulnerability perhaps, some strong emotions. To suddenly relax the tension we hold within us would mean having to feel those feelings. This can be overwhelming and not helpful at all. So we go slow. We teach ourselves slowly, we get help, we find simple ways in, sense the benefit and gradually build our capacity. Or maybe sometimes just a little is enough, its all we need for now, we don’t have to keep looking for more and more relaxation, just savour what we are experiencing. I have learnt that it is possible to go ever deeper in our relaxation, however there is no hurry and we each must find our sweet spot and linger.
How to rest
One simple well-known way to access a restful state when we are agitated is to extend our exhale. Just doing this simple thing supports relaxation for many, see if it works for you. Try it as you go about your day, or if you are lying awake at night, make your exhalation a little longer than your inhalation. Do not force your breath, just notice and invite a longer exhale. Some people find focusing on breath stressful, if that is you please do not continue. Keep a light, soft focus on breath, a gentle curiosity in what it is naturally doing, and then use your intention to make your out-breath a little bit longer than your in-breath. Keep it simple and soft. This also focuses the mind and prevents dwelling on worry and anxious thoughts.
You will know when the bodymind is relaxed because it will give the signs as described above. Just because you think you are relaxed, or someone tells you this is the way to relax, does not mean that you know what that feels like. I have been in many a yoga class or other similar setting where one is ordered to relax. This does not work. Nor does forcing deep breaths, or following some other fixed recipe for relaxation. Find what works for you, develop your own resting vocabulary, and you will know it is working because you will have the bodily cues. You may find these cues emerging as you sit quietly somewhere you really like, chat with a good friend, or other situations that naturally allow tension to soften for you.
Rest is crucial, our personal and social health depends on our ability to move into rest when the time is right, and also to move into action when it is the time for that. To be stuck in a state of anxious doing and achieving, which is the social norm and expectation, is also what is making many people sick. Learning to rest means we can recover our capacity for health and also have the energy to act powerfully when the time is right.
- Choosing to relax however can also be seen as an action, of undoing rather than doing. It needs skills and knowledge, making time and space for it with particular intentions and actions. Relaxing is not collapsing. ↩︎
- Referring to the body and mind as one system, our whole intelligent organism. As mind, so body. As body, so mind. ↩︎
